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Relationship After Kids
Use this very insightful quiz to check the health of your relationships and the levels of passion between you and your partner since you became parents.
If you prefer to read, here is the transcription of the video:
Hello. Today I want to share with you the five reasons why the dates with your husband don't work, and I will give you tips on how to make them enjoyable and get the most out of those dates every time or when there is a challenge in the relationship, especially if it is connected to your passion not being as strong as it used to be. I don't feel connected to my partner, and we don't have much intimacy, especially since the kids are born. Coaches and therapists often advise for: Have a date with your husband. This sounds like a very good advice, but most people who try it don’t enjoy it and stop doing it. I want to share why.
00:01:02 The first reason why those dates don't work is because the couple sees them as a sex date and as a sex date, they feel the pressure to be ready for sex, to feel like sex but they are not. And especially the woman: she feels like, "okay, I don't have an ON/OFF button. I'm not ready for it." And "I want it to be spontaneous. I want love and passion and intimacy and sex to happen. Spontaneous - like it used to be." So, it's not very romantic to have a sex date with my husband. So, the couple tries it and then see that, "Oh, it's not working, so let's not do this." This does not work for us.
00:01:57 Here's my tip. This is not a sex date. This is a date for you and your husband to connect. This is a moment for the two of you to be together and to have quality time together. The idea of the date is that you • spend time with each other, • you stay open to see what will happen. • Maybe you just have a conversation. • maybe you cuddle. • maybe be you just stay in silence. • Maybe you do have sex. But this is not a sex date, and the idea of the date is to just craft time for each other, to be together, not to have sex, just to be together.
00:02:53 This is the first reason why those dates don't work. If you see them as a sex day, you put the bar too high. You have to high expectations from what they need to bring. And if you don't feel like having sex, the date fails. Well, it doesn't need to fail because it's not a sex date.
00:03:16 The second reason why your dates with your husband are not a big success is because you don't have enough me time. Maybe your husband also doesn't have enough me time and you make sure that kids are taking care of, and you have a little bit of time off so that you can connect, and you can be together and have quality time together. But since you don't have enough "me time", you take the fact that there is nothing which you need to do right now, or you don't need to attend to your kids and use this time to catch up with your social media or to answer the messages you which you didn't answer from your friends or to catch up with sleep.
00:04:10 And this is what my experience was at the beginning when Rogier and I, we were planning our dates. Our son was at the daycare, and we would both take the day off from work and we would say, "Yeah, we will have quality time together." But we were both so tired that our quality time was just catching up with sleep and just cuddling and sleeping together. So my tip for you is when you're planning a date with your husband • make sure that both of you are rested. • you don't use this time to catch up on your social life. • Something which works well is to say we put all devices away This is time just with the two of us. This way you don't get distracted, and you get to really connect with each other.
00:05:10 The third reason why your dates with your husband don't work that well is because you create space for the two of you to sit down and connect. But since in between those days, you are always so busy and you don't really have time to talk, to see each other, to connect. This is an opportunity during the day to catch up, always some blaming and with the comparison for who is doing what and why I did this and why you did that. And basically, instead of connecting with each other, we start fighting with each other.
00:05:58 So, my tip for you, if this is your case, is when you set a date for yourself and your husband set some rules: • Not going to talk about kids. • Not going to talk about house chores. • Not going to talk about work. • Remove the topics which normally bring some conflict. • Focus on things which are meaningful for both of you, and which will help you connect. Ask smart questions. Check where your partner is. Ask him like, "What is important for you right now? Is there something I can do to support you?" a) Share your dreams b) Share your fears, but come from a place of vulnerability c) Come from a place of love. This is your partner and you set up this date for you to connect and feel each other.
00:07:00 It's not a time to fight. So, if you end up fighting and having arguments with him and having this bitter taste after your date, set some rules for what you need to bring on your date and in what stage you need to be so that you enjoy the time together. The dates with your partner are the time to help you bring back the intimacy and rekindle the fire between the two of you to help you connect on a deeper level. Because the day-to-day life, especially around kids and work, you just don't have the time and attention for each other.
00:07:43 And the fourth reason why those dates don't work or don't bring you as much as they could is because you use them in a not very smart way. For example, you have a babysitter, and you are free, the two of you, you can do something together and what you choose to do is go to the cinema. And as much as it's fun to go to the cinema, especially if you haven't done it for a while, this is not a moment to connect that much with each other - especially if you have just two or 3 hours and most of the time is spent watching something together. This is not the wisest way to spend this time.
00:08:29 So, my tip for you here is if you want to go to the cinema together, do that. But make sure that soon after this, you plan another date for the two of you where you can really connect with each other. And you can again see each other with those eyes of new lovers so full of curiosity to know the person in front of you, to get attuned again to his emotions and to his aspirations.
00:09:02 And the fifth big reason why the dates with your husband don't work and you don't want to repeat them is because you feel disappointed from them. And this happens when you have set too high expectations about what you want to experience during this date. So, my tip for you here is don't make plans. Don't set the expectations. Just stay open for what the date will bring. Before we had kids, Rogier and I, we used to travel a lot in the country. But also, all around the country, outside the country, in Europe, but also outside of Europe. We had a very busy social life and at some point, we liked it a lot, but we felt like, okay, we really want to just stay home and settle. But how do we do that when our agenda is always so full?
00:10:05 So, what we have done is each month we've planned the third weekend of the month the time for no plans. So, we don't schedule anything that weekend. And at that point we didn't have kids, but we knew that, okay, this is time for the two of us to just be home or just do whatever we feel like it. a) No plans b) No obligations c) Just the freedom to follow the. d) Go with the flow and to be spontaneous. This gave us a lot of space and air to explore what the moment offers. So, this is my invitation also for you. If you feel disappointed after your dates, keep it open. Don't plan anything for them. Have a time slot, which is like at least two 3 hours and see what will happen between the two of you. Maybe you just go out for a walk. Maybe you just talk. Maybe you cuddle. Maybe you just decide to paint together. Or if you have a hobby that you share or something to do.
00:11:28 But see all the moment will bring. And based on what each of you feels like and how the moment is, go with the flow and explore. This is much better a way to spend your time together rather than having ideas and expectations of what needs to happen. Also, because when you blend things and especially as a parent, you blend things. But somebody can call that you need to pick up your child from the daycare earlier or something else happens and messes up your plans. That is disappointment. But if you're open, there's no disappointment. You just accept what is and embrace it and take the best out of this moment. So, this were the five reasons why the dates don't work as well as they could.
00:12:31 And my invitation for you really is explore that way, that method to reconnect with your partner - especially after kids. • It is great to have at least once a week, a few hours when it's just the two of you and find your own way to do it. • Set your own rules, see what works and what doesn't. • Don't stop after the first time that it doesn't work. • Just give it another try and talk about how it feels for him, how it feels for you. • Find your own rhythm to do it.
00:13:07 Before we end, I want to invite you to take the quiz under this video. It is a way to check the health of your relationship - especially after your kids have been born. The passion levels between you and your partner have been affected, so you can check the state of your relationship and the passion between the two of you using that quiz.
Thank you so much for your attention. Have a good day.