Heal the relationship with your mother and flourish as a woman
12 May 2023 • 5 mins to read
The first and most important person who influences your femininity is your mother (the mother-like figure in your life). Your relationship with her is the base of how you see yourself and how you interact with the world around you.
As a woman, you learn from your mother how to:
- Identify with the feminine, adopt feminine skills and qualities;
- Balance between your feminine and masculine energies, gifts and qualities;
- Create a motherhood style;
- Prioritize your needs and desires;
- Set boundaries;
- Do self-care and take time for yourself;
- Relate to men, to (extended) family members and to other people;
- Regulate your emotions;
- Rest and handle stress;
- Receive and trust;
- Feel self-love, self-respect, and self-worth. Subconsciously the love of your mother gives you permission to love and value yourself.
Until you fully embrace and appreciate your mother, you are denying your connection to your feminine energy. Without addressing the root cause of this disconnection, any superficial attempts at incorporating feminine rituals or practices will only provide temporary relief, like placing a band-aid on a broken finger. The pain and discomfort will persist, hindering your ability to trust, surrender, and fully embody the abundant and joyful flow of the feminine.
By embracing and appreciating who your mother is, you increase your self-love and acceptance of your feminine essence.
Work with your mother is the FIRST step of the in-depth discovery of your femininity.
So, how to work with your mother?
This is a process, and it takes time. If you are embarking on this journey, make sure to adapt an attitude of curiosity, patience, trust and (self-) compassion.
The first and most important step is to STOP engaging in counterproductive behaviors.
- Blaming your mother for your challenges. This is only keeping you stuck where you are. While it is possible that you have experienced hurt and disappointment through her, it is essential that you take responsibility for how those experiences have shaped you as a person and as a woman. You have the power to decide how to respond to those experiences and how to incorporate them in your life.
- Trying to change your mother. This is futile, it drains your energy, and it won’t support your relationship. Instead, as you expand your perspective and attitude towards your mother, you'll notice a shift in the dynamics of your relationship.
- Resisting the shape and form of your relationship with your mother. This impedes healing. Rather than pushing back, find the courage to explore the relationship as it is. Be open to insights and understanding, and allow any hurts within you to surface and be acknowledged.
I am pleased to offer you two effective practices that can be done on your own, whether your mom is still with us or has passed away.
Practice to view your mother in a different light
The first exercise aims to help you view your mother in a different light, fostering greater understanding, compassion and an openness to love, respect and even admiration for her.
Grab your notebook and create a table with three columns: "Qualities," "Pitfalls," and "Transformation," under the title "How do I perceive my mother?"
In your notebook, create a table with 3 columns “Qualities”, “Pitfalls”, “Transformation”.
In the first two columns write down everything that comes to your mind when you think about her qualities and her pitfalls, - essentially what you like and what you dislike about her.
I've added examples in the table.
HOW DO I PERCEIVE MY MOTHER?
|Emotional||Worrying too much|
|Generous and loving||Controlling|
When you are done, rename the table to "Traits I've picked up from my mother", and take note of how what you see in your mother is also present in you.
Sometimes you may emulate your mother, while other times you may behave in the opposite way to prove your differences. Either way, your mother's influence on the listed qualities is strong.
For example, a mother who is well-organized may have a daughter who is just as well organized or a daughter who is always late and disorganized. However, in both cases, the daughter is sensitive to organization and recognizes when others are organized or not.
The second example features a mother who neglects her appearance. She may have a daughter who also neglects her appearance or a daughter who pays a lot of attention to her looks. Either way, the daughter will easily notice whether someone has put effort on their appearance or not.
TRAINTS I'VE PICKED UP FROM MY MOTHER?
|Emotional||Worrying too much||Carrying about everyone|
|Generous and loving||Controlling||A leader|
|Responsible||Criticizing||Knowing what she wants, having high standards|
After filling in the first two columns, proceed to the third column where you identify the positive of each of the "Pitfalls" you observe in your mother. Try to transform these shortcomings into qualities or at least find a reason to appreciate them.
The qualities you list in the "Transformation" column should be your focal point, as you start to recognize them not only in your mother but also in yourself and other women.
This chance in perspective is more effective than trying to accept you mother’s flaws.
Write a letter to your mother
The purpose of this exercise is to assist you in processing your emotions and understanding your relationship with your mother. To begin, write a letter to your mother, utilizing the prompts provided. It is crucial to note that this letter is solely for your benefit and must not be sent to your mother.
The prompts are as follows:
- What I am angry at you for is…
- What I blame you for is…
- What I would like to change in you is…
- What I would never do to my child is…
- What I have always wanted to tell you is…
- What I have always wanted to hear or to receive from you is…
- What we have in common (positive or negative) is…
- What we are different in (positive or negative) is…
- What I admire in you is…
- What I am grateful for is…
- What I love about you is…
Once you have completed the letter, close your eyes and imagine your mother as a young child. Embrace her innocence. Allow warmth and compassion to naturally arise in you. And if they do, let them permeate your entire body. If they don’t, this is perfectly acceptable.
Then, say out loud “You didn’t provide me with everything I needed, but you gave me everything you could”
Remember that this letter is solely for your use and should not be sent to your mother!!
After you feel that the letter has accomplished its purpose (you have expressed your emotions, read it a few times and let all emotions and new insights settle…) you may tear it into small pieces and dispose of it.
You might need to write several letters to your mother. Allow yourself the grace and the patience to write several letters to uncover deeper more than one of these letters to go deeper into your feelings and beliefs you may not have been aware of before.
For healing your relationship with your mother and to invite your femininity to flourish, the following additional practices are crucial:
- Inner child work
- Creating a strong inner mother
- Work with your anger
- Gratitude practice
- Forgiveness and self-forgiveness practice
While I don't mean to excuse any hurtful behavior from your mother, it is important to understand that there is a Universal pattern at play. It is said that a woman gives to her child MORE than what she has received from her own mother. This means that it is safe to say that your mother provided you with more love and support than what she received from your grand-mother.
I also want to remind you of something that may provide a new perspective. Your mother does not owe you anything beyond giving you life and ensuring your survival to the best of her abilities (with the help of others). While you may have wanted or hoped for more, everything else o top of it, is a potential bonus. Unfortunately, not every child is lucky enough to experience the ideal mother-child relationship.
According to the spiritual teachings, you choose your mother for a reason - to learn specific lessons. It is important to not dwell in a victim mentality, but instead to take control of your own life. By working on yourself, deepening your understanding, releasing blocked emotions and energy, and tapping into your feminine potential, you can become the most fulfilled, radiant, and accomplished version of yourself. Remember that you have the power to take the pilot seat and navigate your own life.
The Goddess Portal
This blog post has been published in the book "The Goddess Portal: Divine Feminine Wisdom Codes for Modern Maidens, Mothers, Queens, and Crones".
It is a BESTSELLER book for the modern woman, written by 35 extraordinary women. It is diving into the profound realms of the divine feminine and women's wisdom. It is a work of art, meticulously crafted with captivating stories and insightful perspectives that can uplift and empower. It is an embodiment of femininity, healing, and personal transformation.