The 3 mistakes moms make that distance them from their partners
14 August 2023 • 7 mins to read
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If you prefer to read, here is the transcription of the video:
Hello. Today I want to talk to you about the three biggest mistakes that distance the moms from their partners. Before we dive into the mistakes, I would like to ask you to do a simple exercise. And this exercise will show you whether you're making those mistakes in your relationship or not. So please take a paper or use the notes application on your phone and write down five things, five things which are five big areas of your life.
- The first thing is my work and my career.
- The second thing is my children.
- Third thing is me as a person and as a woman.
- The fourth thing is my partner and our relationship.
- And the fifth thing is my friends and my social life.
These are the five things. And I would like to ask you to look at your life. Look at the list of five things and rearrange the list based on how currently in your life those priorities are arranged. So, the list needs to reflect the current situation from your life and what has the highest priority, and arrange them from 1 to 5
00:01:41 Please pause this video and do this prioritization.
00:01:49 I hope you have done this, and I am moving forward.
00:01:53 Once you have created the picture of how currently in your life the priorities are arranged. My question is
- How do you think they should be arranged?
- Is there a way to rearrange those priorities that makes you happier or you feel is a healthier way?
00:02:18 Pause this video now and look again at the list which you have created, prioritized, and rearranged based on what you think should be or would make you happier. Please pause the video and do this now.
00:02:37 I hope you have done this. Before we dive into the three mistakes. I want to make a small clarification.
00:02:47 So those five areas in our life are kind of the biggest areas for most of us. And in the different stages of our life, different things get priority. For example,
- when we are building our career, when we are studying, when we are very ambitious, our development, our work, our career has a very high priority and it's normal that it goes very close to the top.
- Then when we are along on the love market, then we are looking for a partner and potential husband.
- Then our love life, our relationship potential partner goes higher on the priority list and maybe career goals a little bit lower.
- When we are pregnant, or we just have small kids. It's normal that our kids get a little bit higher priority and based on what is happening in our life, this list is changing. So, this is not set in stone and there is no right way for everybody.
00:04:02 However, what is really, important is that on the first place, you always have me as a person and as a woman. This is the healthy way to prioritize your life and everything else based on what is happening in your life should go on the second, third, fourth and fifth place.
00:04:28 Of course, there are exceptions. Your kid is ill and then you spend a few days like your mind being completely into how she is doing and spending all nights close to her bed and monitoring her fever or stuff like that. This is normal, right? Like for a few days your child gets priority or there is a very important deadline, and your work requires a lot of attention. So, you will spend the whole weekend working and you will sleep very little, for example. But these are more exceptions. On the first place, you need to have as a constant value: me, myself, my needs, my desires.
00:05:17 And this is the first mistake which mom make. They often put their kids in front of their needs. But what happens when we don't pay attention to what we need? We get resentful or we feel that our boundaries have been crossed. If we did not sleep enough because you were busy with household or ironing clothes or doing homework or whatever it is related to the needs and desires of somebody else, but you did not fill in your cup first, you will notice that your levels of patience and tolerance are lower and there is such a difference if you have slept enough and if you have taken care of yourself first and then you spend time with your loved ones, then you are a different person. So how does this look like in reality?
00:06:18 I give you a few examples. Your kid wants your attention, but because you put yourself in the first place and you giving him or her attention right now, it's not like super urgent or very important. You say, “Honey, please play by yourself for a moment. I will first take my coffee and then you will come and build a train with you.”
00:06:46 So, this is like putting your needs first. Or you can say to your partner, “Sweetheart, I really need to wind down. I'm going to take a bath. Can you please clean the table after the dinner?” You are asking for help. Your partner to step in and to do something so that you attend to your own needs first. Because you know that this will help you be the mom you want to be, the partner you want to be, the person you want to be, the woman you want to be. When you’re filled up, you can share a love you can give. When you are constantly just giving and not paying attention to what you need: you become resentful. You don't have patience. This is normal because who will attend to your needs, if not yourself? So, this is the first mistake. Putting anything else in front of your own needs makes you a less radiant version of yourself.
00:08:00 We move to the second mistake. It's, again, related to the list of priorities. Putting your kids in front of your relationship is the second mistake, which is of sure a recipe for troubles in your relationship.
00:08:20 You and your partner: You are the in the core of your family. You are the one creating the environment. If you and your partner, you are strong together, you have a good connection. You feel happy, you are tolerant for each other, you support each other. Then the environment you are creating is a space of love and your kids feel safe. They can thrive in it. You give a good example of the hierarchy in the family. Father comes first before the kids, and how this looks like. In reality, in the morning when you wake up, you first give a kiss to your partner and then to your kids. If you serve dinner, you first serve your partner and then your kids.
00:09:220 These are small little things, sometimes very subtle. But you need to pay attention to them because this is the message you are sending to your partner and to your kids. This really sets the tone for the whole family. The respect which you have for your partner will be mirrored by your kids as well, for their father.
00:09:51 So, this is the second mistake. If you put your kids in front of their father or your partner. The third mistake women make that really harm their relationship is the way they communicate. It must do again with priority, especially if we haven't given ourselves what we need, the days and the time, the self-care, the nurturing we need. If we haven't done this and we feel a little bit on the edge - too tired, sleep deprived, haven't seen girlfriend for so long, overloaded with chores, feeling like a workhorse, constantly serving something somebody but not us. As a result of this comes how we speak to the people we love. And especially because it's about relationships, especially to our partner.
00:10:57 So, when in this state of exhaustion and really being on the end of our powers, we tend to blame. We tend to compare who did what. Why is he resting now while I keep on going? and when you talk to your parents from this state, a resentment happens again. You create distance between each other. He feels attacked; he feels blamed. It's a good thing to remember that each of us in our relationships, not only with our intimate partner, but we are also responsible for our own state. So, if your partner failed, like, I really need a rest. You need to respect this and maybe learn from that. Take it as an example of okay, maybe I should also stop when I feel that I'm tired rather than keep on pushing myself. till you really reach the end.
00:12:07 But when you remember that you're responsible for your own state and when you respect the choices of your partner, when you know that each of you is doing his and her best to be part of this family, to serve the family, to be there for each other, you kind of stay away from blaming, from attacking. And when you communicate, it's a good thing to stop yourself, hold down a little bit if you're in this irritated state to talk to him. I know how difficult it is. Sometimes it really comes almost to hear that you want to explode. You want to hurt him because you are hurt yourself out of giving so much and not nourishing yourself. You feel that he needs to suffer as well.
00:13:13 But if this point, you kind of remember, this is my partner. We are a team. We are doing this together and take his example, like he's resting, rest as well. Get a good amount of sleep and the next day go and talk to him and talk to him from a place of love and appreciation and share what you feel and what you struggle with.
00:13:44 Share, for example, that I have a hard time stopping. I feel that my family, you are my kids are so important. I keep on giving. I'm constantly doing. I sometimes forget to take rest. “Can you please help me? and next time when you sit on the couch, can you just pull me towards you and get me to sit with you and maybe we watch something together, or we have a nice conversation together, or we just cuddle or laugh together whatever it is.”
00:14:18 If you talk to your partner from a place of fullness: your heart is full. You feel love, gratitude, and appreciation that he's there. He's part of your life. He's not always what you want him to be. He does not always act the way you want him to act with. He's a separate person. You cannot expect this from him. He doesn't owe you anything. If you come from a place of gratitude and asking for help when you need help, your relationship will be much smoother and fulfilling.
00:14:59 So, these were the three mistakes. I hope this was helpful. And if you want to check the status of your relationship and how healthy it is, take this quiz.
Thank you so much for your time.